Recipe #8: Seafood Cakes

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup finely chopped red onion (I used regular Vidalia)
• 1/4 cup parsley
• 1/4 cup finely chopped celery
• 8 ounces peeled and deveined shrimp, chopped
• 8 ounces fresh lump crab meat (I used canned, sue me)
• 1/4 cup fresh Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese (What the hell is this, I’ve never even heard of it. I have parmesan cheese in the green shaker can like every other person in this world–that’s what I used)
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 2 large egg whites and 1 large egg, beaten (I just used whites for all of it)
• 1 cup panko
• Canola oil

Recipe (from Cooking Light Magazine)

Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add 1 tsp canola oil and swirl to coat. Add onion and celery; cook 5 minutes or until tender, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat; cool slightly.

Combine shrimp and crab in a large bowl. Stir in onion mixture, parsley, cheese, salt, and egg; stir gently. Add panko; stir gently. Divide mixture into eight equal portions and flatten into 1/2-inch-thick patties.

Heat skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 tbsp. oil to pan and swirl to coat. Cook patties three minutes each side, or until slightly browned.

Kara’s verdict…

Seafood restaurants of the world, SUCK IT!

Yeah that’s right, these things rocked. All hail Kara’s seafood cooking abilities, hands in the air!

Let’s break it down, starting at the beginning. First of all, dealing with the raw fish was a bit of a scene. Yes, I eat fish, but I’m still somewhat hesitant about it. I was a complete vegetarian for more than a decade, I only reintroduced fish into my diet about five years ago. And though I like it, I sometimes get that chill down the back of my spine when I’m about to prepare or consume it.

Such a feeling occurred as I was creating this dish. I was standing at the sink peeling and rinsing the shrimp when I caught myself talking to them. “Hey little shrimpie, what’s the word?”

Matters got worse when I started to surmise that, really, they are kinda cute, despite being crustaceans.

But I was able to shelve my emotional attachment to the bag of frozen shrimp and get them diced and mixed with the crab. (Don’t even get me started on that… remember Sebastian, from The Little Mermaid? So do I.)

Really, there was very little to this dish. I mixed in the cooked onions and celery, added the eggs, cheese, herbs, and panko, and made them into mushy little patties that held up surprisingly well in the frying pan.

The end result was really good… one of the best things I’ve made, actually. They were well seasoned and tasty, kind of ooey-gooey in the middle, and perfectly crispy on the outside. I served them with another Cooking Light recommendation: the “best-ever baked potato” (russet potatoes rubbed with olive oil and kosher salt and baked at 350 degrees for an hour). They recommend not wrapping the potato in foil, otherwise the skin will be mushy. And they were RIGHT. When I pulled the taters out, they had crunchy, flavorful exteriors and warm, mashable innards. So great.

In addition, I’m happy to report that the seafood cakes held up fairly well in the “day after” category. I microwaved one for lunch today and it was nearly as good as last night. They’ve earned a yummy A.

Pat’s Opinion…

I got excited at the smell… my mom used to make salmon patties a lot and I loved them… so the smell of this was very familiar. Mom’s were a little less healthy I’m sure… they were also an inch and a half thick with a thick, pan-fried crust on each side.

First impression: Yumm

Not sure what kinda seafood was in them. I saw what I think were little baby shrimp, and they were in weird little lumps of white shrimp/maybe crab meat… I like my seafood in itty bitty pieces unseen to the human eye… with the exception of tuna in tuna casserole, and then I want healthy sized chunks. Even my shrimp has to be breaded, deep fried, and popcorn sized.

Overall, very tasty

Dessert Bonus
My fabulous dad happens to be in town right now, and my apple tree happens to be in full bloom… two great reasons to make pie. Now, I can’t make a grilled cheese sandwich that doesn’t set the smoke detector off, but for some reason I have always been able to make this one pie–a delicious apple with walnut crumb topping.

So my dad and I set out into the rainy yard yesterday and plucked a bag full of ripe apples; by last night there were pies. Several. Some pie for me, some for dad, some for Pat, and a hearty helping for Grampa T, my 92-year-old neighbor who leaves jugs of homemade thimbleberry wine in my mailbox.

The pie isn’t healthy, but that’s okay. Some things should just be eaten for the joy of eating them.

No recipe to share, sorry. This one’s my secret…

Recipe #7: Cowboy Meatloaf

Ingredients
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
1/2  cup  chopped celery
1 cup diced green bell pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin
2  garlic cloves, minced
1/2  cup barbecue sauce, divided
2 cups mashed, cooked, peeled baking potato
1 cup regular oats
1/4 cup ketchup
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
16-ounce beans, kidney, black OR pinto, mashed

Recipe
Preheat oven to 375°.

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and next 5 ingredients; sauté 3 minutes.

Stir in 1/4 cup barbecue sauce, potato, and the next 7 ingredients (potato through beans).

Spoon the potato mixture into a 9 x 5-inch loaf pan coated with cooking spray. Bake at 375° for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and a run a knife along the border of the pan. Place baking sheet on top of loaf pan and flip entire ensemble over to release meatloaf from the loaf pan onto the baking sheet. Brush 1/4 cup barbecue sauce over loaf. Bake an additional 10 minutes, let rest 5-10 minutes before slicing.

And the verdict is…

A big, fat F. After the first bite, I literally put my hand inside my mouth to try and scrape the taste off my tongue. Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I did go outside and dump the remnants of the pan into the grass for the critters (except for the sample I tortured poor Pat with)… and it was still there the next day.

Yep, I cooked a meal that wild animals–animals that have been known to consume moldy apples and vegetable rinds–wouldn’t touch. Enough said!

Recipe #6: Italian Pasta Pizazz

Okay, let’s start this entry off with a question: does it negate the benefits of healthy eating if I carry the whole pan into my living room, eat it all, and then use my finger to scrape every last molecule of deliciousness from the bottom?

Of course I’m  exaggerating (slightly)… but I can say this is my favorite new recipe thus far, hands down. It tasted like Olive Garden, took less than ten minutes to prepare, and was affordable even on my budget. Trifecta!

—The Recipe—

• 1 package whole wheat pasta (I used half Barilla Plus, half Ronzoni Healthy Harvest)
• 3/4 cup oil-packed sun dried tomatoes halves, drained
• 1/4 cup loosely packed basil leaves (this probably means fresh, but I used dry and cut it way back)
• 2 tablespoons walnuts
• 2 tablespoons pre-shredded fresh Parmesan cheese
• 1 tablespoon bottled minced garlic (I doubled this)
• 1/2 cup (2 ounces) crumbled feta cheese (I chose sun dried tomato herb flavored)

Cook pasta according to the package directions, making sure to salt your water. Drain pasta through a colander over a bowl, reserving 1 cup cooking liquid.

While pasta cooks, put your sun dried tomatoes, basil, walnuts, parmesan cheese, and garlic into a food processor and mix until finely chopped.

Combine tomato mixture and about half of the reserved 1/2 cup cooking liquid, stirring with a whisk. Add to pasta; toss well to coat. Sprinkle with feta. Voila–pasta pizazz!

Kara’s Verdict…

To quote Michael from “The Office”– “I was pretty sure it would be either an A or an A+… but I forgot about A++.”

Wowza. Seriously. Pasta perfection. Pasta paradise. Pasta party in my mouth. The raves could go on.

I tend to be pesky about Italian. With some foods (Mexican comes to mind), the details are meaningless. Black beans? Refried beans? Tomato? Salsa? Pepper Jack? Cheddar? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Throw it on and I’ll down it like a Hoover. But Italian is tricky. Sometimes it comes out very herby… if I can–WHOAH!–taste the basil or oregano, I’m not interested. I don’t like too much tomato. I’m very persnickety about pesto–not too strong, not too weak, no skimping on the garlic. I detest pine nuts (which is surprising because I like every other nut in the world). I don’t like things in my sauce–keep your mushrooms, green peppers, and meat to yourselves. Sauce is sauce, there shouldn’t be any extraneous crap in it.

So I looked upon this dish with reservation. Even after it was cooked and sitting in an elegant bowl on my dining room table, it looked a little too “oily banquet mostacholi sitting under the heat lamp” for my taste.

But after the first bite, I was sold: fragrant, oily without being greasy, and fresh-tasting with a little kick of garlic after-bite. And the herbed feta was a delicious topper. All in all, a scrumptious, hearty, Italian feast of a meal… and pretty damn healthy! A+(+)

Pat’s Opinion…

Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to the blog’s new contributer: my friend Pat. A self-described “happily food-rutted, meat and potatoes kinda guy,” he favors traditional dude-food (meals derived from four-legged creatures are A-okay) over “weird stuff” like tofu and couscous. Who better to become my new official taste-tester and cooking commentator?

Each week, I’ll torture Pat with a new kitchen creation… he’ll sample and opine about texture, smell, taste, and general “traditional food-guy likability.” He’s the Mikey for our generation, folks… if Pat gives it his seal of approval, rest assured you (and your husbands!) all will too.

Pat’s take on Pasta Pizazz–

It smelled like lasagna that something had gone wrong with…  and that was with the lid on. With the lid off, the smell was about 10 times stronger. I pick on my coworker about his Polish food and the stink that sauerkraut makes….  especially when heated.  This may have been the Italian version of that. Some people like that. The only thing I like still smelling in my kitchen the next day is a good batch of tacos or chili.

It looked like wheat pasta with focaccia bread scraped into it, and dried up cottage cheese drizzled on it. Heated up, the dried up cottage cheese looked more like molten mozzarella chunklets.

I’ve heard a thousand lectures from my parents and grandparents about “How do you know you don’t like it, if you haven’t tried it?” Well that’s all rubbish. It tasted exactly like what I thought it looked like. It tasted like you went out and got some focaccia bread from Applebees, scraped the top of the bread off, threw in some olive oil, a few tomato chunks, tossed it in the blendtec, hit puree, and mixed it with some wheat pasta (throwing on some extra strong cheese to make up for not drowning it in mozzarella like my family would).

I’m not experienced enough with non-meat-based (or Chef Boyardee-based) Italian cooking to know what the aftertaste is, but I’m thinking it’s olive (or some kinda nut) oil-ish with a bit of  dried green Italian seasoning (oregano/rosemary/Top Chef Fabio Viviani’s yard clippings/who knows).

Final Result:
I’d expect to see something like this at one of my relative’s fancy weddings. It’s Italian, without being messy on rented/dress clothes. If I came across it in a family reunion buffet line I’d take a scoop, try a bit of it… and go back for more stuffed cheese manacotti or sweedish meatballs.

Overall Meat and Potatoes rating–
2.5 outta 5 stars (I could survive on it if trapped on an island off the cost of Sicily)

Recipe #5: Barbeque Crispy Tofu

Hel-LO, welcome to nirvana, otherwise know as barbecue crispy tofu.

(Okay, this is technically cheating because I made it once before, several months back. But I’m so darn proud of it I HAD to include it as one of my “new” blog recipes.)

All you tofu naysayers just pipe down and listen up: this is good. And not in a “healthy food” way, in a “I feel like I’m cheating on my diet” way. I may be a vegetarian but it’s certainly not because I like healthy food–we joke that I’m the world’s only vegetarian who hates vegetables. Tofu and bean sprouts and couscous… ugh. I’m much happier with a pizza and a bag of Cheetos, thank you very much.

But my vow after seeing the dietitian several months back was to make lasting changes, so I decided to go on a recipe hunt. Somewhere along the line, I stumbled across this. I have no idea why I made it–I hate tofu. It tastes like styrofoam, and always comes out mushy no matter how you cook it. But it was late March, and the 200 inches of snow still on the ground was addling my brain, and I was having inappropriate nightly dreams of barbecued chicken legs and ears of sweet corn on the cob.

Ingredients

• Extra firm tofu
• Flour
• Black pepper
• Barbecue sauce
• Eggs (I used whites only)

First, I have to address the consistency of tofu. Let’s all admit it: it’s groty. Right? Come on, drop the charade, nobody really likes the texture. You can bake it, fry it, steam it, barbecue it, burn the living shit out of it… it’s still mushy.

This recipe claimed to have the cure for mushy tofu: simply freeze it beforehand.

Yes, really. Just cut your tofu into steaks or slices, wrap them in a piece of Saran Wrap, and freeze for at least two hours or until they resemble little beige bricks. Then pull them out and stick them immediately in the oven to bake for 20 minutes at about 350.

I was skeptical, to say the least, but I tried it. I pulled them out of the freezer and hurled them into a pre-heated oven. And there they began to thaw, then cook. As this process commenced, puddles of water began collecting in the pan–a very counterintuitive practice. After 20 minutes, I took the pan out, drained the excess water, and started working with the hot, slightly-cooked (and, yes, still mushy-feeling) patties. The recipe assured me that the end result would be a chewy, chicken-like consistency. I kept the faith.

The next step is to dip the patties first into a mixture of egg white and barbecue sauce (1/4 cup Eggbeaters and 3 tbsp. barbecue sauce), and then into a bowl of flour mixed with a few liberal shakes of black pepper. Shake off extra flour coating and “fry” in a pan with some non-fat cooking spray until lightly browned each side.

From there, put the patties on a foil-lined baking pan or cookie sheet. Brush with barbeque sauce and broil on high for about six minutes, flipping halfway. (As you can see by the picture, I forgot about mine and they got a bit crispier than planned.)

And the verdict is…

Sooooo good. The recipe gods smiled down on me… these are crispy, salty-sweet, and rival the best down-home family barbecue recipes. The tofu, so help me god, is not mushy. It’s chewy, with the texture of a tender chicken breast. The best part? It’s even better the next day… and the day after that. I eat them for a solid week and they get tastier each day. This recipe is a solid-gold A!

A New Arrival

Yes friends, it’s true. My bundle of joy, affectionately named “New Oven,” arrived last month–100 pounds, four ounces, and cute as a button.

Delivered brand-spankin’ and shiny with that “new oven” smell, it was love at first sight. Four burners (they all work!)… knobs that turn in the correct direction… boils water in roughly the time it takes me to sneeze… someone pinch me!

A big thanks to my landlord for bestowing upon me this most precious of gifts… and after such a calm, rational, and mature request from me. (“Tommmmmmmmmm, whhaaaaahhhhhhhh, fix it, fix it, fiiiiiiiiiix ittttttttt!”)

Let us not forget the quirky, derelict range from whence “New Oven” came. Yes, it spit fire and had only one working burner (on a good day), but it was a cherished kitchen companion for so many frozen pizzas. Rest in pieces, old friend.

And now… let the REAL cooking begin!

Recipe #4: Patriotic Pancakes

Lately I’ve been captivated by the idea of a savory pancake–something scrumptious and hearty that tastes like a roadside dive breakfast platter whipped up into a (healthy) pancake meal.

I blame my Polish grandmother. A wonderful cook, she’s always found ways to take simple foods–like fruit, cucumbers, and potatoes–and make them into delectable dishes. Pumpkin, walnuts, and a few basic ingredients become heavenly pumpkin bread every Christmas. Cucumbers marinated in sour cream and seasoned salt transcend into a sinful side dish. And potatoes… ahh, potatoes. These she finely shreds with diced onions and the simplest of spices and fries to golden perfection as pancakes. My Grandma Dorothy’s potato pancakes are light as air, but filling enough to be a meal… topped with a dollop of cold, tangy sour cream, they are just about the most perfect food I’ve ever eaten.

Unfortunately for you all, my Grandma Dorothy is not writing this blog. And fried potato pancakes, yummy as they might be, do NOT fit into my current eating plan. Thus, we get Kara’s Patriotic Pancakes.

Ingredients:

• Whole-wheat pancake mix (I think it was Bisquick)
• Sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
• Morningstar Farms soy sausage patties, cooked and chopped into chunks
• Diced onions
• Sour cream to top

I mixed up the Bisquick as instructed and then added the chopped cheese, sausage, and onions to it. The fun part was getting to use this cool new pan I got from Teflon, the “Flip It.” It’s got top and bottom cooking surfaces so when the pancakes are ready to be flipped, you don’t have to get a spatula and risk breaking them or turning too soon… you just flip the pan over. It even has an American flag design so the tops of your pancakes have an artistic flair (hence the name “Patriotic Pancakes”). Sweet!

And the verdict is…

Oh, if only the recipe could have been as cool as the pan. The Flip-It worked like a dream. It says not to use the pan on high heat or they’ll cook too fast, but of course I ignored that (underestimating the power of my slowly dying oven) and burned the first ‘cake. But after that, they came up plump and fluffy with lightly crispy exteriors (I used a bit of non-fat cooking spray). The aroma of sizzling (soy) sausage and bubbling cheddar filled the kitchen, and my mouth literally watered. I topped with a dollop of (fat free) sour cream and sat down to enjoy… except I didn’t. Because they were yucky!

For those of you keeping score at home, apparently whole-wheat Bisquick, cheese, sausage, and onions do NOT a savory pancake make. The pancake batter was too sweet, and the other ingredients just didn’t jive. Did I miss some spices? Use the wrong base? I don’t know. But let’s just say from now on that rockin’ little Flip-It pan will be used for sweet breakfast pancakes and NOTHING else. C+

Paging Mrs. Dash

Some families send care packages with cookies and high-fat snacks… my awesome family does one better. A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt Cindy–an incredibly healthy eater and supportive follower of my latest improvement attempts–sent me a “kitchen care package.” Filled with bottles of Mrs. Dash, dried herbs, and cool things like Szechuan seasoning and Dijon mustard, it literally tripled the contents of my spice collection. She also sent along suggestions for how to use the items, and I’m finding ways to highlight average, everyday foods. For example, tuna sandwiches are much yummier when mixed with Dijon or dill. Thanks Aunt Cindy!

Recipe #3: Mac’n Cheese Teriyaki

Thanks to Ross from DuPont for sending along an awesome collection of cookbooks! This is from “Dinner in Style”… before I delve in, here is the recipe exactly as it appears in the book.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

• 3/4 pound gemelli pasta
• 1/3 cup breadcrumbs
• 1 tablespoon butter, melted
• 3 teaspoons olive oil
• 3 cups milk
• 1/4 cup all-purpose four
• 1 teaspoon dry mustard
• 2 tablespoons prepared teriyaki sauce
• 1 medium onion, minced
• 1 cup ricotta cheese
• 2 cups grated light Jarlsberg cheese
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon milled black pepper
• 2 teaspoons finely chopped dried thyme, plus more for garnish

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Cook the pasta in boiling water for 8 minutes or until al dente. Drain and rinse under cold water; set aside.

Mix the breadcrumbs with the butter and 2 teaspoons of the olive oil, until just moistened. In a small bowl, whisk 1/2 cup of the milk with the four, mustard, and teriyaki sauce.

In a medium saucepan coated with DuPont TM Tefon® non-stick coating, heat the remaining oil and sauté the onion over medium heat, until softened. Add the remaining milk to the pan and bring to a boil; lower to a simmer, whisking in the milk-and-four mixture until the sauce is thickened, about 6 to 8 minutes.

Remove from the heat and whisk in the ricotta cheese, Jarlsberg, thyme, salt, and pepper. Stir in the cooked pasta and transfer to a 9- x 13-inch baking dish coated with DuPont TM Tefon® non-stick coating. Sprinkle with the breadcrumbs. Bake for 30 minutes or until heated through and just starting to bubble.
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My variations

Yes, I’m trying to learn to cook well, but I’m also trying to learn healthy new eating habits, so there are several changes I’m making in every recipe I prepare. I used low-fat soymilk in place of regular and traded the butter for Smart Balance. For the cheeses, I bought low-fat Ricotta and part-skim Jarlsberg. And rather than using gemelli pasta (which I admit is my favorite—Barilla gemelli is sturdy and chewy and cooks up perfectly every time), I used Ronzoni Smart Taste. It’s enriched with three times the fiber and calcium, but with a similar consistency as traditional white pasta. Perfect for a recipe like this.

And now on to the cooking.

After reading through this recipe and thinking how yummy it sounded, my (predictably familiar) initial impulse was to start breaking it down and stripping it for parts. Yuck, teriyaki, do I like that? I’ll omit it just to be safe. And dry mustard, what the hell is that? Forget that too. And I’m not entirely sure what thyme is, but I KNOW I don’t like it. So I guess I shouldn’t bother with the onion then, either, since it doesn’t seem to belong anymore…

Before long, I’ve pared the recipe down to noodles, butter, and cheese, same as every other mac & cheese dish I’ve made and eaten throughout the years. The unhealthy years. The boring years. The years of binge eating on bland, carb- and fat-laden comfort foods. Which is NOT what this experience is about. So I went grocery shopping and bought every single ingredient* called for in this recipe and vowed to prepare it as written.

(*Okay, except for the thyme… because it still sounds kinda dodgy to me).

Step one: preheat the oven. Done—so far so good!

Step two: cook the pasta until al dente and then rinse with cold water and set aside. Note: I use my microwave to boil pasta because my one partially functioning burner turns all wheat-based products into oatmeal.

Step three: Mix breadcrumbs with butter [Smart Balance] and olive oil [grapeseed oil]. Set aside. All good so far.

Step four: whisk ½ cup of the milk [soymilk] with the flour, mustard, and teriyaki. I don’t own a whisk, but I discovered (after some trial and error) that a fork works just fine.

Certainly doesn’t look like much now…

Step five: heat the remaining oil and sauté onion. Add remaining milk and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and add flour/teriyaki mixture, whisking until thickened, about 6-8 minutes.

Aaaaaaaannnnd, here’s where the trouble begins. Because I don’t have a Teflon saucepan (like the recipe called for), I had to use a regular old metal pan, which required steady whisking/monitoring to ensure the mixture didn’t stick to the bottom. Not such an issue… except when I realized that I bought a hunk of Jarlsberg and apparently do not own a cheese grater.

(This being a family blog, I won’t reveal what was drifting through my head at this particular moment.)

So I’m dicing the cheese by hand (note to self: NEED A FOOD PROCESSOR) using one of my three dollar-store knives (my favorite of the trio—I call him Woody, because he’s the only one with a wooden handle). Meanwhile, my kitchen has turned into a scene from ER.

“Why is the milky stuff bubbling when it should be simmering? Lower temp, stat!”

“We need the cheese, dice faster!”

“Where is that smoke coming from?”

After getting the cheese diced and my temperamental stovetop under control, I was ready to move on to step six: remove from heat and whisk in ricotta cheese, Jarlsberg, salt, and pepper. (A quick side note to friends more educated than me: what is the deal with the waxy rind on the cheese? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Peel it? Slice it off? Save it for posterity? Chip at it with my fingernail until little bits fall on to the floor and my cat eats them and pukes? I opted for D, by the way.)

The kitchen betrays my true attitude toward cooking: chaotic and jumbled, microwave door ajar, with some sort of runny crap leaking from the measuring cup and drizzling down the cupboards.

Step seven: stir in the cooked pasta and transfer to a 9×13 Teflon baking dish. Cover in breadcrumb mixture and bake 30 minutes. Done and done. After tossing that bugger into the oven, I made myself a cocktail and grabbed the phone to call my sister and recover.

Thirty minutes later, and here is the result (drum roll please)…

This was seriously SO good. The texture of the finished dish was ultra-rich and creamy thick, really sinful tasting. It was like indulging in some artery-clogging cream-based pasta dish at Olive Garden, except with no guilt or bulging waistline afterward. Even better, I served a side dish portion along with leftover barbequed tofu and a salad, so I’ve got plenty leftover for subsequent meals. My only complaint is with the teriyaki. Apparently I’m not a fan. Didn’t know that until last night, but now I know to steer clear in the future. Fortunately, there wasn’t enough in this recipe to ruin it for me.

So bottom line… a solid A- (would have been higher if not for the teriyaki). Will definitely make again!

Recipe #2: “Everything-But-The-Kitchen-Sink Tuna Burgers”

Okay, so it doesn’t look like much, I know. But I was dealing with some limitations this week. Namely money. As in, I have none.

I’ve been into the idea of tuna burgers lately, and I have about five recipes floating around. One calls for adding wasabi paste, another for diced garlic and onions, and still another for shredded carrots and Worcestershire sauce. They all sound super-yummy, but alas, I’m about five ingredients short on each.

In an enterprising mood last night, I decided to survey the fridge and see what I could rustle up. I found some mayo, a tiny bit of Worcestershire, an old baguette, and some lettuce. With the discovery of a can of white albacore tuna hiding in the back of the pantry (score!) and some Italian breadcrumbs, I realized something extraordinary: of my five separate tuna burger recipes, I had roughly two ingredients from each. A few more random items (a couple of egg whites? Some pepper? Sure, why not?) and my “everything-but-the-kitchen-sink burgers” were born.

Ingredients

• 1 can white albacore tuna, flaked
• 3/4 cup bread crumbs
• 2 egg whites
• 4 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tbsp lite mayo
• Black coarse-ground pepper (enough to fleck the sloppy mixture with black)

(Finally found a use for that weird rubber spatula-spoon thingy!)

Mix all ingredients together and form into patties. [Note: I made three slightly-larger patties, though it probably could have made four small ones.] Fry on the stove top for 4-5 minutes on each side (I alternate between using olive oil, grapeseed oil, and non-fat cooking spray… last night I used cooking spray on my Teflon pan, but added the tiniest bit of grapeseed oil near the end to give it that deliciously greasy taste that I love. Yes, I love it. Those of you who claim to enjoy the fresh, crisp taste of naturally-prepared meats and veggies–good for you. Go snack on some raw asparagus and be happy. I want my food to look and taste as much like fried junk as humanly possible. Sue me.)

For the bun, I just sawed off a chunk of that old baguette and microwaved extensively to soften it up. But the topping was a bit more difficult. I had no ketchup, no cheese, no dressings. I dug through the cupboard and found a jar of “Scampi Blend” from Wildtree… mixed liberally into a dollop of mayo, it made quite a tasty (and fragrant) topper.

There was a corn-on-the-cob as well… but I killed it. Note to self: an uncooked ear of corn cannot be tossed into the microwave for six minutes on high and then forgotten about. It looked like an old drunk man’s rotten teeth… and smelled like an overcooked tire. It was similar to the time Megan smoked us out of the house with her attempt to microwave a two-inch slice of bread for nine minutes. Say what you will about my kitchen, but that darn smoke detector works juuuust fine.

And the verdict is…

Pretty freaking tasty, actually! Much better than I anticipated, especially witnessing the mixture in its uncooked state (*shudder*). I’m quite proud to say that my “everything-but-the-kitchen-sink burgers” were a success… though after mishandling the pan and dropping the patties into the sink, I guess the name no longer holds true. I’ll have to rename them my “everything-including-the-kitchen-sink burgers.” B+

Recipe #1: Stir-Fryalicious

On a recent grocery shopping adventure, I happened upon an envelope of “Cantonese Fried Rice” seasoning.

I was wary. I am a Chinese and Thai food addict, an incurable junkie. And in lieu of any good local takeout (with the exception of JJ’s Wok & Grill, a phenomenally fresh and tasty Chinese carryout joint in Houghton’s Pearl Street Mall–but how many times in a given week can you frequent the same place before you have to start disguising your voice?), I have searched far and wide for easy at-home preparations that taste even *remotely* like the originals. And have been hugely disappointed. (An open letter to Kikkoman stir-fry sauces: I want my five bucks back, plus a thousand for pain and suffering. Eww.)

But intrigue (and a reasonable .99 price tag) won out over skepticism and I purchased the seasoning. The garbled text on the back of the packet boasted two recipes: one for traditional pork fried rice, the other for vegetarian stir-fry. I tried the latter.

Ingredients

• 3 tbsp oil
• 1 package cubed tofu
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 2 cups brown rice, cooked (Minute rice, microwaved for 8 minutes. Perfection!)
• 3 cups assorted stir-fry vegetables (I bought frozen steam-in-bag)

Notes

• First of all, the recipe stated that ingredients should be cooked in a wok. I figured my largest frying pan would do, a sturdy old Teflon skillet I use to cook absolutely everything. It worked fine–keeping in mind that the rice and veggies sparred for breathing room the entire time and 20% of the finished product ended up in the burner plate.
• According to the instructions, I was supposed to heat the oil (I used grapeseed) and then cook the diced onion in the oil until it was “softened.” But my onion pieces didn’t seem to soften, and in fact became brown and angry looking. No bother, they tasted just as good.
• After the onions were cooked, I was instructed to add the tofu and “stir-fry until browned, 2-3 minutes.” I actually used soy chicken instead and it took roughly ten minutes, not 2-3. But again, it could be my derelict burner.
• Next step: add the rice and stir-fry another 2-3 minutes. Done and done. Looking very fried rice-ish. Yum…
• Finally, add the veggies and stir-fry another 2-3 minutes. Bravo, a master creation! Truly edible art! Worthy of admiration! And… NOT good. Turns out I forgot to add the seasoning packet after step one. Woops!
• Luckily, the packet was filled with mushy paste and not dry seasoning, so I managed to get it mixed in pretty good.

And the verdict is…

Good! Not restaurant quality of course, but much closer than anything else I’ve tried. The veggies were not right… carrots too mushy, broccoli too crunchy. Maybe next time use fresh versus frozen? And sugar snap peas are the devil, definitely will NOT include those next time. But the recipe gets bonus points for allowing me to play with chopsticks. All-in-all, I give this a B-.